Back to Reality

Taking things one day at a time never had so much meaning to me as it did today. Doomsday as I was subconsciously referring to the day this past weekend came and went and I am left with a little downtime prior to going to bed to start the cycle all over again tomorrow.

I was dreading today, the first day of daycare for Cole, just shy of 11 weeks old. Luckily, the routine was not too unfamiliar since I have been dropping off Brice, almost 22 months at the same daycare since he was 9 weeks old. I know Cole will be extremely well cared for and Graham and I could not be happier with the facility and caregivers.

I tried not to think about taking Cole to daycare this morning and returning to work this past weekend. We kept a busy schedule of visiting the playground, dining out, watching movies, and grocery shopping to minimize the amount of downtime I would have to stress and contemplate the inevitable. The details of today never really distracted me until this morning around 3:30 a.m. I woke for the first time, but not to the cries of Cole who has only managed two full nights of sleep since his birth, but instead to my unsettled thoughts about returning to work, dropping Cole off at daycare and reminiscing on several weeks of enjoying bonding moments with Cole. Cole did manage to sleep through the night for the second straight night and for the third overall night since his birth. However, I lay in bed silent and motionless until the alarm startled us at 5:30, the earliest it has gone off since January 26th, Cole’s birthday. Adrenaline had pumped in so I sprung from bed with an agenda. I managed a shower, not such a bad start, followed by preparing Cole’s milks for daycare, setting up breakfast for everyone, feeding Roxy, our dog and then on to help Graham wake the boys and then get them dressed with a few minutes leftover for me to blow dry my hair (an even better start) and get myself ready to conquer the day.

Now off to daycare. Graham and I did the drop off together today. Graham took Brice into his classroom and I took Cole to introduce him to his new daily surroundings. Brice erupted at the site of his class as he does most Monday mornings. What can I say, we pack his weekends full of activities and the attachment anxiety typically sets in Monday mornings until we are out of sight? Despite the potential of an emotional breakdown, I decided to face it head on and volunteered to take Cole back to meet his caretakers. The process was pretty seamless since I was already familiar with the routine from when we dropped Brice off several months ago. After checking Cole in I did not linger around, instead I shuffled out of the building without turning back. I knew a double take would trigger my own meltdown.

I failed to mention that not only was this Cole’s first day of daycare and my return to work after 11 weeks, but also my first day on a new job. I felt like starting daycare and returning to work was not enough stress for the family so I thought I’d add some excitement by taking on the challenge of a new job which brings a whole list of unknowns to include new commute, new co-workers, new responsibilities, new expectations and of course new emotions. Insights on the new job are worth its own blog comments. It is just worth mentioning here to emphasize the heightened emotions experienced by me and the family on this momentous day.

Today actually went off without a hitch. I think we are well on our way to establishing our new long term routine. Although I missed Cole often and even had to prop up a couple of temporary pictures of Cole on my desk until I get frames for them, I selfishly relished in the little freedom I had to check email, respond to questions, do research and dare I say, feel productive. Until I win the lottery, I am not ready to quit my day job. Different strokes for different folks, but today reaffirmed that although I love my boys more than anything; I am okay with returning to the office. I can now appreciate the very best part of my day again, picking Brice and Cole up and giving them a hug at the end of the day.